Been awhile.......

Every civilian expects us Army wives to be super women. And we are. Seriously, we are. We move quicker, and more efficiently than any human should be able to. We learn how to fit boxes into a u haul that would take you a u haul and a half. We can pack a duffel, iron a crease, sew on a patch and hunt down missing uniform pieces at 4am like no other. We can and will feed however many soldiers walk through our door come end of the day,even if it means giving up our portion and lying our asses off that we "already ate." We will answer a call at anytime of the night and drive our husbands single friends home from the bar because we know how much they truly mean to him. We will clean each others houses, cook each other meals, watch each others kids and grocery shop for one another when we are to damn sick or to damn sad. And then we won't even tell anyone we did it because no one needs to know there was a weak moment. We will drive you to the Dr. and sit with your kids, or hold your hold if you're in pain.We make friends anywhere, the Doctors office, grocery store, bathroom at the movie theatre and the community pool. Sometimes it freaks people out;)  When our husbands are gone we are in even higher rare form we can pack 2 billion activities into one day and still have hours to sit and wonder about our husbands safe return. I don't care what anyone tells you not a damn one of us is good at deployments. Some do better than others, some barely manage at all. I do well, i stay busy,but it's the knowing it's coming that kills me. Gets me into a funk and eats at me. From the moment i get the news i watch everything he does, burning it into my memory. I watch him sleep, play xbox, talk on the phone, eat. And i think, how will i live? How can i possibly do this without him again? But i will, and i know it. I'll keep busy helping out friends n family, volunteer, go visiting people i have been to busy to get to see. And be ready to at any moment cut anyone (even the pope himself) off in mid sentence if my phone rings a gvt number lol. Ok that is not true i have never left a mass to take his phone call but anything else i drop like a hot rock. Cell phone on high laptop volume on high skype logged in and both on my pillow is how i sleep. When i do. Then he will come home in one piece and we will laugh like we were silly for worrying, even though we weren't silly at all. And when something happens and it was someone else not him i will have the most disgusting and disturbing sense of relief. But ugh, i do not feel Army wifish today, nor did i yesterday! I do not feel super wifish super mommyish or any of those other titles i proudly claim. Today i feel sluggish, i feel down, i miss my friends, i don't want to focus on the upcoming deployment yet it's always there. And i'm super sad the kids are about to start school back up. I've tried everything, i have spent hours outside with the sun on my face, i am doing fun activities with Jake n the boys, and i'm enjoying them. But at the end of the day i am again feeling like i didn't do enough.i'm trying to accomplish as much as we can before the impending doom. This is me being selfish and i'm not even kidding pure selfishness, mentally stamping my feet like a two year old. I do not at this moment want to share my husband with my country. But i will. Please don't hold this against me, because i'm sure in a few days i will be super HOOAH for you all once again.