Saturday, April 23, 2011
What it means
Being an Army wife (or any military branch) means dealing with the unexpected. We get to take on twice the load and learn to always have a plan b. When we talk to non military about it we speak of the hassles of moving, deployments, winging it alone half the time. What we don't typically broach is the subject of how when our guys come home they are different. Some alot, some so little that to anyone but us it's virtually unnoticeable. I have been so fortunate as to befriend a few Army Wives of times past. Women whose husbands did multiple tours in Vietnam and i admire them so much. We were speaking of the effects of war and the changes we specifically have seen. Now Jacob's are pretty minimal, he seems to be right in the normal range no more bad effects than the next guy. But still i notice them, and as his wife i worry about them. They were saying the problems us wives have now with our guys are way worse than back then and i was saying no way that was 'nam! Lol, well then we got on the subject of family members and friends not being able to understand the changes and sometimes even not noticing them at all. I had made the comment i just wish for Jacob's sake that everyone could understand and acknowledge that he is different. Just because he isn't completely damaged and broken doesn't mean that he still doesn't need the support. And she said the simplest thing. She said " Baby, they aren't gonna understand so just leave it be and do what you gotta do for him yourself. They just can't understand and they don't want to see it so leave it be." I get so worked up sometimes because Jacob being my husband i think of course he deserves the best, he deserves everyone to understand him, get him, and accept his changes and still love him. I never feel like he gets enough phone calls or emails etc. And i'm not saying he has no one from back home because he definately does. All i needed to do was simplify it, quit over analyzing and quit expecting things out of people that they are incapable of giving. Thank you to a wise army wife with a few more years under her belt than i.
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People don't want to see things...they will themselves not to see unplesantness around them. If they imagine that their son/daughter hasn't changed then of course they haven't. It's like going home as a 24 year old and your parents are still treating you like you are 16. It is hard for them to let go of this image that they have of you in their heads. I'm sorry Jacob changed. I'm sorry that my brother changed.
ReplyDeleteWe ask so much of our troops and our failing in our responsibility to make sure that we are there for them when they return. No one can see war and be unaffected. It isn't right to ask someone to.
How is your brother these days Eileen? Well i hope. Yes it is really hard for people to understand, there are people in Jacob's family who do but most of them, especially his high school friends blame it on him being married. Every time he is different in some way it's because he got married. I think it's just easier for them to believe that than to see the scary and ugly truth. His family likes me but i still get the feeling of tenseness every time he doesn't do something he used to, like say go play pool, Or play golf quite as much or drink as often. But in some positions i gladly let those people believe that it's me rather than Jacob be in the awkward position of explaining to them that he can't handle pettiness anymore. Because they still won't understand. The few times Jacob has voiced his opinions he has been accused of letting me put words in his mouth lol. It's like have you guys ever thought he just doesn't want to waste his life listening to people drone on about the same thing they have been since he can remember lol.
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